Remember when your relationship with your partner was shiny and new? You drove your friends crazy by listing all the wonderful characteristics of your new love. You didn’t really start to notice any bad habits or annoying traits until the oxytocin and other wonderful hormones that bathe your brain during that initial phase of love started to wane. Suddenly the dirty socks on the floor, or the toothpaste squeezed from the middle of the tube are glaringly obvious. Why didn’t you notice it before? And do they ever release their grip on the television remote for crying out loud? Now you’re thinking about it, when was the last time they brought you home a coffee without you having to text them 55 times to remind them?
Most couples eventually stop noticing their partner’s good points and start focusing on the negative traits. Our human brains are designed to do that. We need to be aware of potential threats to stay alive but the problem is our brains don’t differentiate between what is a real danger and what is just plain annoying. Whether we are about to be hit by a car or a sarcastic remark, the brain can potentially process both as a perceived threat and trigger the fight or flight mechanism. Before you know it that flippant remark has caused a huge argument.
But we can train our brains to notice more positive things in our relationships. One way is to catch your partner doing something right and tell them or thank them. Did they put their dishes in the dishwasher for a change? Thank them and they just may do it the next time too. But why should I have to thank them for doing what they should be doing anyway, you ask? The reality is that positive feedback encourages more positive behaviours. But even more important is that when you acknowledge the good things about your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened. According to John Gottman, PHD and author of many books on relationships, “this makes it much easier to address the problem areas in your marriage and initiate positive changes.”
Every night, get together with your partner and ask “What went well in our relationship today?”
Then ask “What needs improvement and what can we do to make it happen?” Don’t criticize, instead, work together as a team and use “we” a lot in your conversation.
And here’s another idea. Each of you make a list of what makes you feel loved, wanted, and needed. They don’t have to be big things or expensive, just small things that your partner can do for you that makes you feel great like “give me a random hug”, “massage my neck” “send me a text telling me you miss me.” Be specific and write down at least ten things. Then exchange lists and try to do something from your partner’s list each day for them. You might just rekindle that old spark again and that can bring a lot of hope back into a relationship.
